Goodbye, till i see u when im in fairer state...
what an irony. Im UTTERLY depressed over the whole blogging business. but im BLOGGING this veri moment...
tell me, am i the only one who gets so affected about blogging? people always get me wrong. ya, more than one, and more than once.
n btw, this entry is not talking bt ANYONE in particular. Im just veri, veri sunken in spirits now over any previous misunderstandings.
Even though they had been cleared up, i remain apprehensive: will i just be misunderstood by people reading my blog entries now n forever?
A blog has an audience. n im someone who likes to please the audience. if i just want to pen down whatever im feeling in my heart, i can just write in a private JOURNAL, and not post in up on the World Wide Web.
even though the blog bears your name, n u control the 'pen', no, its not all about oneself. cos as said, a blog has an audience.
some people seek to be understood through bloggin. obviously, its the other way round for me. shouldn't that be a strong enough reason for me to call it quits?
since im not pleasing the audience. since i am misunderstood, rather than better understood.
so frens, im stopping now. at least, for quite a while...
n in case there's any fren out there who thinks im talking about u in this entry, i am HONESTLY, not.
if this entry sounds veri dismal, yes, that's how im feeling now. i hate PMS.
a line from MARS, a show starring ZaiZai n Barbie Hsu, "everyone is alone in this world."
u know wat, when u r feeling like how i feel now, this line feels kinda of true.
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just finished talking to a fren. felt much better. so i guess e above line doesn't feel that true now...
she mentioned something of this sort," why do we have to be nice, n take into consideration people's feelings when they don't? there are so mani selfish people in this world who only care for themselves n their feelings. so y should we care for theirs?"
i guess, being 'nice' is a choice. we all r bad at heart. its a difficult choice though.
but, we have to try our best, don't we?
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one last thing before i go,"frens, will u show mercy and/or grace in ur blogs? i know its ur blog, as many will like to put it. but your frens are...YOUR FRENS. dun hurt them. "
n frens, i love u all. if u all have ever experienced my love n friendship, will u all try not to hurt me too?
A rather late Year 2005 resolution to HOLD my TONGUE
For once, this entry is going to be real....short.
I make this resolution every year, and kept to it most of the time. Thinking I've finally internalised this value, I din make it my resolution this year.
BUT, events had happened to show myself that I still need to be 'reminded' and 'tied' to a promise, a resolution.
so, dats it. Ending off the entry with the resolution:
I shall not gossip,be it harmless or not, about people, particularly those whom I dislike.
It is their business if they are nasty, but Im held accountable to HIM. I definitely dun want to be a tongue wagger.
The dislike of involuntary images dat disrupt sleep
woke up approx. 2 hours ago from a bad dream. ok, its not exactly a bad dream, as in its not a nightmare.
but it was a frighteningly sinful dream, to my conscience nevertheless. it was irrational n surreal as a dream should be. yet it was also freakingly congruous to one of my ugly, secret desires, with e dream master playing it out with some inventive twist.
Something from Macbeth keeps repeating in my head; "Stars, hide your fires, let not light see my dark,deep desires."
feeling jittery n guilty over the dream dat i couldnt control, n wanting to forget e shame.
yet, my subconcious mind, with perverse vigor, kept flashing fragments of the dream, with one particular image etched in my mind.
i dislike dreams. there was a peaceful period in my life when i had restful sleep. However, since last year, i have been dreaming far too many times.
now i just feel exhausted every morning from all the 'activity' i did last night.
n talk abt the absurdity of dreams. i dreamt dat i was rushing for a CHINESE assignment the previous night, n i was so stressed cos i did not have the time to finish it.
n i woke up, feeling disoriented, displaced, n disgruntledly depressed. duh.....
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i went to see the doc yesterday. the diagnosis: bout of food poisoning.
n the doc confirmed my 'chronic' gastritis as well. warned me about my meal irregularity. n he said im under stress.
only the start of a new term, n im already under stress? think my stress is self-induced. from my own procrastination, n my highly-strung nature.
i feel yr 2005 hasnt reali started for me. someone, kick me. i need to get down to busines.
loving without expectations of reciprocality
sorry to ple who do read my blog. it seems like a looooong time since i last posted anything. even the last entry posted yesterday was a dated one dat i wrote at e veri start of dec....hahaha..
its not dat i din wan to blog. just dat ive so mani thoughts n so much stuff on my mind, i cant decide wat to blog, n what not... hahaha
n then i give up...hahaha...
actually i was feeling melancholic today...but then again wat's new? im melancholic everiday. hahaha...
i watched Phantom of the Opera today, n its superb. almost forgot im not reali watching a musical, n felt like clapping after everi scene...hahaha
n btw, pardon all the hahahas...ah siao in the house now...HAHAHA
ok, back to Phantom. i was truly touched. crying till my insides wriggled n cramped, n making sure my pour of tears dun run down my face at e same time. cos tears sensitise my face.
im a hopeless romantic (within harmless boundaries, not in real life).
n... im hopelessly vain too...wanna cry still must take special precaution...hahaha
im touched cos despite the Phantom's seemingly violence, his love for Christine is so pure. n so...childlike.
all the cruelty he administered. just in exchange for a simple hug n kiss.
just for a genuine show/gesture of acceptance of who he reali is.
just for Christine to acknowledge his love. not to accept, but to acknowledge will suffice.
Enough for him. to love her even more. by letting her go.
it seems reali off, but e show reminds me of lotsa things in my life.
n i realise one of the things is: i value appreciation...alot.
when ple do things or expressed concern for me, i'll get so heartfelt-edly touched, i think if the person asked me to swallow 20 fishballs, i would.
just an exaggerated expression. hahaha
similarly, i felt that i have at times 'imposed' this on my frens. n when i felt my 'really for dat person' efforts r not being appreciated much, i wouldl feel real...real...... down.
ive always resolved to love everyone around me more.
from yr 2005 onwards, my slightly amended resolution: to love everyone around me more....unconditionally.:)
oh, n to top this great movie off, i watched this with Carolyn aka Wanhui (my best fren, in an uncoventional wae). our 1st movie after like 3 years? Big Daddy was the last one.
the nite ended with her loving wat i got her for Christmas, n she giving me a bear hug as congrats for my baptism.
reali, it doesn't take much to make me happy...:)
hope it won't be too long before our next meeting. hahaha
