self-talk @efanny's

from the bottom of a hurting but joyful heart

Recently, I feel I've grown alot. Im starting to feel 24. So many things have happened, or rather not happened, that made me understand myself so much more. More honest to myself and my vulnerabilities, and gathering the courage to bow down and admit I don't know, I can't, I'm weak and carnal. To stop blaming and start living. For God, for myself, and not for someone else.

Then I'll resolve to change. Many times I have asked myself whether Christianity brings about transformation or conformation. Yes, I admit my doubts but that does not mean I doubt the existence of God and His love. However, more importantly its the fact that I finally lay this doubt to rest, with a merciful realisation that came some days after Christmas. God brings about transformation. A change of heart from the inside out. While conformation is only a change of action.

Is that all? What u came to realise? sounds so 'chey'. But the world of difference it makes to me. cos this realisation results in a transformation of my heart, and no longer just a conformation of my mind. Some people may argue that people may conform their minds to certain frames of thinking, that all Christian values are also what people choose to adhere to and not that God is powerful and can bring instanteneous transformation; Bingo, a gambler is no longer a gambler, a sex addict is suddenly celibate, that doesn't happen much, does it? But that's when my realisation comes in important. We are all sinners living in a fallen world. Even if you try to do good, you can't keep up with good;we all struggle with one thing or another. Yet when we realise how much God loves us and feel it, it brings such a change to the heart. A gambler no longer wants to gamble, a sex addict does not want to indulge in lustful material/acts anymore. Though they will continue to struggle with their detrimental habits cos like what I said, we live in a fallen world with its many temptations and our inability to do good, the important thing is that they no longer want to be like this. A realisation from the heart, a renewed heart. A heart that is contrite and humble knowing the weakness of the flesh. And above all, a heart that knows love and forgiveness. This is the power of the cross.

Transformation on earth is not complete, but it is one that will one day be made perfect when we enter through the pearly gates. Meanwhile on earth, we continue towards good, not just cos we conform to Christian values and thinking, but because of a heart that knows God's love and hopes for the tomorrow. A person who just adopts Christian values and thinking as a good philosophy to live by but who does not believe in or trust God will soon realise the difference between tranformation and conformation.

And then, there is the other type of Christian who thinks God will forgive him/her for whatever he/she does. That's not untrue. But I wonder, " why do you claim you love and would never want to hurt the ones you love, but choose to hurt the One who loves you most? the One who died for You." and I think to myself too why would God love without qualms so much someone who will hurt Him without qualms? So I agree God's love is a profound mystery. and I see how imperfect my love for people is too, that Im not as loving as I thought I am; I definitely will find it difficult to love someone who thinks that me sacrificing my son to die on the cross for him/her is no big deal and is tian jin di yi.

I have not been happy for long and it has been evident through this blog from my previous entries. But since a month ago, I felt set free. Finally released from the shackles I bolted unto myself. Just by experiencing one thing-the comfort of God's love. So powerful, it transformed my heart once again and set me free. Although I still hurt now, but I have joy. I have hope. I have faith. I don't feel in lack. now I can really understand Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Not knowing it as just a comforting, inspring or 'nice' verse, but experienced it so strongly myself. I thank God.

A freind once commented that when she hears ple's testimonies of how God was so with them during hard times and how they really give thanks, sometimes she will tend to want to retaliate in anger, "Does it mean I have to jia po ren wang in order to experience God's love??" and it somehow marrs God's image in her mind. I felt sad when I heard that actually. Its not that God deliberately destroy you so that you will come to Him but rather, it is us. Only when we are in dire hardship, do we remember God and His unfailing love. Only in dire hardship, we realise how we have allowed other people or things to play God in our lives, and when these things or people fail us, then we remember God will never fail us. Then, we come to Him. And no matter what we did to hurt God before, He welcomes us back with open arms, and holds us close. And people who turned back and experienced that comfort can never express fully in words what that means. You have to experience it for yourself. which you can, if you are willing.

Despite all these, the heart is the most deceitful thing. At times, I feel lost, having been set free. I actually missed the thing that had placed such a stronghold over my life before. The yearning for it can sometimes be so strong, I almost want to pick up the yoke and kill myself with the burden of it once again. Then I realised the importance of what comes next after being set free. Feel like a convict who has been locked in prison for 20 years and finally set free? relieved yet feeling lost? The ex convict will need someone to show him the way and how to live normally again. If not, he is very likely to either do wrong again to return to the familiarities of the smelly cell or sink into depression. and that's how its like with God. After being set free, I realised my greatest enemy is an idle mind that is left aimless and free to wander and ponder on the most negative of emotions and memories, and a roving eye that is always looking out for things that can gratify but never satisfy. And I realised the only truly fulfilling thing I can do is to have my mind and eyes focused on God, and my heart feels at rest, my peace restored.

Most probably what I went through will not be seen as serious or important to an outsider, but my learning experiences and self-discovery are much more precious. to me and to God.

At the end of the day, my trust is in You.

posted by efanny @ 7:41 AM