My resolutions for the coming month of Sept to yr end:
1) I will choose to trust and be vulnerable in front of people, and not put on a false front when Im feeling "not ok".
2) I will listen more, encourage more, comfort more.
3) I will laugh more often; I will not let negative thoughts consume me.
4) I will forgive more, esp my dad.
5)I will have more courage.
What's the point of trying to comfort or console someone if u r going to lose ur temper with them???
ultimately, its still how u feel that counts. then why bother in the 1st place???
If a person who's frustrated can still talk to u in a calm n collected manner, why would she ever need ur comfort in the 1st place???
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My brain is dead. It can't think as well and as fast as it used to. :(
Im getting reali scary. to a point where Im starting to be rather afraid of myself. think Im under some invisible stress that I'm not aware of. Been having mood swings that r as unpredictable as the toto since last week.
One illustration to bring across my point: Just now, I was having a silly tiff with my sis. She kept sayin that I said I'll pay her back for her tom yam cup noodles I've eaten 'in secret.' When I said I dun rem saying that, she said, "yes u did. u r slapping urself across the face." n she repeated that a few times.....
n I got so fustrated....something just snapped in me...
all of a sudden, I slapped myself hard across the face. twice. and said, "there, I've just done it. will u just go away?(!)"
I still can't believe what I did.
still in a state of subdued shock.
I think I seriously need to take time out for myself. Im out of touch with my emotions.
I just realised that some stupid company is leaving comments on my blog. Felt so turned off. treating my private space as some advertising medium. Get off!
been taking a new look at friendships recently. I used to think friends are family. I was quite exclusive and only have a few friends. But these r friends whom I reali understand and love, friends whom I reali spent alot of effort on. I didn't reali want to be that exclusive, but the amount of attention I gave to a friend is alot, and that means I cannot afford to have too many friends; I''ll get too distracted. The downsides? I expected alot from my friends as well, and sometimes I ended up hurt or disappointed. Similarly, my friends expected me to keep up with what I gave, n when sometimes I couldn't, they ended up hurt or disappointed. Still, we appreciated how we really hold one another in our hearts.
now? I have many more friends than I used to have. More than I can handle actually, oftentimes I'll think to myself. I can't keep such regular touch with all my friends' lives anymore. Some friends, I'll forget birthdays, and feel real guilty and bad. Some friends I can't meet up often; not even once in a while, cos our schedules r all veri different, and I lament. Some friends shocked me with bad news, and I blamed myself for not knowing earlier and was not always there for them.
It seems time has eluded us. Although it has been said that "lack of time" is but a convenient excuse, I feel it applies only to stuff that reali doesn't take much time like, "no time for lunch", ' no time to drink water", "no time to read the bible (for Christians)". When it comes to the bigger things, sometimes, "lack of time" is really a veri valid reason.
and I'll start feeling down. friendships need to be maintained. u need to show one another, "u care." Alot of my friends grew up with me, physically and mentally. Some of them shared my darkest moments and deepest secrets. Some shared with me unforgettable memories. Some encouraged me and gave me a lift in spirits in my down periods. And some, were just the most patient listeners around.
n me? I did the same for them. playing different roles to different friends just as they were doing the same.
However, daily cares and worries bogged us down, the older we become. We revolve around boyfriends more and more as if we cant live without one, we hit our daily stressful jobs as if we r indispensable, we suffer bouts of loneliness n blame friends and family that they don't have time nor care enough to talk or spend time with us. We start thinking about higher education (n how to find the $), career advancement (even when we hate the job), and marriage plans (even though he is still in NS/Zouk slackin or mambo-ing his life n brains away). Without thinking through and through what really matters to us, and what we truly want out of life, we start our endless pursuit for the finer material things in life (financial security), for fame, for prestige, for love, for pure attention.
It can't be helped, this is what is expected of us, young adults. To start off the race of adult life with a great bang and raw energy, without knowing where we will exactly like to head off. Just follow the few suspicious signboards that r around, or trace the steps of others that had gone before us. at least they will take us somewhere. but the question is, WHERE?
This is my deepest song of lament; this bittersweet rendition on the transition to twenty-something. Ever since I passed 19 to hit 20, I kept feeling Ive left something really wonderful behind, and this feeling just increased in intensity over these past 2 yrs since 20. Now 22, I enjoyed the maturity that comes with experiences but more is my sore reminiscence of peoples' hearts. I just told a friend 2 days ago that I felt veri sorry that although I miss her and another friend, we still can't find time to meet up. and she commented that Im very melancholic. And yes, Im mel to the core.
But allow me to, before I dun even have the heart or time to be mel...
nor care to lament with such angst.
I may feel so much for you till I hurt like crazy.
I may cry so much for you till my heart breaks.
I may think of your situation so much till I feel a staggering burden.
I may do everything I can for you,
but my efforts may prove yet all futile.
My tears, sorrow, pain and empathy are yet all worthless.
Because, just because...
I am not you.
Only u, can choose for yourself. for better or for worse.
the decisons in life. no one else can.
I can't help but sadly remember this song by Sammi Cheng.
"If I am u"
"....But I'm not u
Everytime when my thoughts come to this realisation
I'll cry
In my heart hopelessness prevails
But what a pity
I can't be u....."
Photos! photos galore! in order of events that I was involved from after the exams till sch reopened:) ...it was a fufilling period for me, from voluntary work to camps to dinner n dance... I was pretty stretched...yet i reali enjoyed myself! Thanks to all the great ple Ive worked with or gotta know this period! I did some other things as well, but I dun have photos...so just these! oh no..its a veri.. long post...n I discovered I now love to blog photos! oh no! haha!
me n sarah! hot, oily and sweaty after a badminton game..haha! so y the pic? just cos I like sarah! :) 
the after exams KL trip!!! yeah! dun ask me y there's oni one pic though...i dunno where i put the rest...hmmm..
Life in the Kingdom Church Camp '05 Talent nite! Me, together w some fellow brothers n sisters in the uni district put together a musical abt a dysfunctional family! btw, we won!!hee...
here r the 3 siblings: on my left is ziwei, the lazy one, beside her is Jan, the envious one n e one standing up is Feng Chi..the eh...lustful one...haha...eh, this brother looks like James Lye in person...really!
haha, e veri angry n buai song me...acting as an angry n bitter housewife..@ this part I was reminding my stingy husband (Timothy, e brother who's baptised on e same day as me) how he said I looked like fann wong (paisei) when he married me, now he said I looked like an old hag(!)
wah, he's also angry liao..see standing up liao...angry dat I kept wasting his $ on facials..lol...we then sang a duet using the tune of ABBA's Money Money with diff lyrics...:) it was SO fun!
this pretty gal in white is Christine:) Burdened w her family situation, she goes off to pray...(hee, singing different lyrics to a song from Phantom of e Opera..)
harmonious siblings...see? they're even sharin an Xbox n u wonder how 2 ple can manipulate one game control @ e same time..lol...
Rehearsal for a charity skit for Red Cross Blood Donation Drive! this pic was taken while we're rehearsing but somehow it looked v artistic..as if we were posing on purpose...
Actual day of performance @Plaza Sing! (I was supposed to be a sec sch student...wah...look @ e pic...if I'm reali a sec sch student...I would be a super duper chao Ah Lian...pengz...)
Wong Kar Wai's newest Jimmy's inspired movie: Lean to ur left, lean to ur right... haha, artistic hor? demo by huishan n chen yi...hee..
Hard @ work...y? making hand made accesories to sell for a charity cum entrepreneurship skills event...
The "peddle-our-stuff-for-charity" day! A hearty breakfast before we sell our wares - handmade accessories, for the day! (psst: made e accessories until cross-eyed u noe...)
Always in love with all things bright n beautiful, all creatures great n small. All things nice n wonderful, my Saviour made them all. Beauty touches my heart, my soul. A faith filled spirit brings life to my body. Thankful always, loving always...:)
im veri 100% virgo, so watever u read abt virgo, its me lor...veri proud to admit my poly nickname is ah siao( courtesy from poly kaki- linda, minghui or da?)...a compliment okie to be known as dat...likes to bio yandaos alot(esp with xuelin cos taste sama sama), likes to talk abstract not cos im chim, its cos im blur haha...likes to laugh like mad with shan,shop like mad with shirley,make minghui laugh like mad, n tease sijie like mad..madly in love with GOD, n yah loves to go ktv like mad with other ktv mad kakis...haha;p also madly blessed by eileen n jonaphine, another 2 siaos...find that u dun know what im actually talking abt cos u duno who e abovementioned ple r? well, thats me....strictly private n dun believe in having hundreds of hi n bye frens. come on, life is time not enough..;p
