From friendships to life's meaning
I just realised that some stupid company is leaving comments on my blog. Felt so turned off. treating my private space as some advertising medium. Get off!
been taking a new look at friendships recently. I used to think friends are family. I was quite exclusive and only have a few friends. But these r friends whom I reali understand and love, friends whom I reali spent alot of effort on. I didn't reali want to be that exclusive, but the amount of attention I gave to a friend is alot, and that means I cannot afford to have too many friends; I''ll get too distracted. The downsides? I expected alot from my friends as well, and sometimes I ended up hurt or disappointed. Similarly, my friends expected me to keep up with what I gave, n when sometimes I couldn't, they ended up hurt or disappointed. Still, we appreciated how we really hold one another in our hearts.
now? I have many more friends than I used to have. More than I can handle actually, oftentimes I'll think to myself. I can't keep such regular touch with all my friends' lives anymore. Some friends, I'll forget birthdays, and feel real guilty and bad. Some friends I can't meet up often; not even once in a while, cos our schedules r all veri different, and I lament. Some friends shocked me with bad news, and I blamed myself for not knowing earlier and was not always there for them.
It seems time has eluded us. Although it has been said that "lack of time" is but a convenient excuse, I feel it applies only to stuff that reali doesn't take much time like, "no time for lunch", ' no time to drink water", "no time to read the bible (for Christians)". When it comes to the bigger things, sometimes, "lack of time" is really a veri valid reason.
and I'll start feeling down. friendships need to be maintained. u need to show one another, "u care." Alot of my friends grew up with me, physically and mentally. Some of them shared my darkest moments and deepest secrets. Some shared with me unforgettable memories. Some encouraged me and gave me a lift in spirits in my down periods. And some, were just the most patient listeners around.
n me? I did the same for them. playing different roles to different friends just as they were doing the same.
However, daily cares and worries bogged us down, the older we become. We revolve around boyfriends more and more as if we cant live without one, we hit our daily stressful jobs as if we r indispensable, we suffer bouts of loneliness n blame friends and family that they don't have time nor care enough to talk or spend time with us. We start thinking about higher education (n how to find the $), career advancement (even when we hate the job), and marriage plans (even though he is still in NS/Zouk slackin or mambo-ing his life n brains away). Without thinking through and through what really matters to us, and what we truly want out of life, we start our endless pursuit for the finer material things in life (financial security), for fame, for prestige, for love, for pure attention.
It can't be helped, this is what is expected of us, young adults. To start off the race of adult life with a great bang and raw energy, without knowing where we will exactly like to head off. Just follow the few suspicious signboards that r around, or trace the steps of others that had gone before us. at least they will take us somewhere. but the question is, WHERE?
This is my deepest song of lament; this bittersweet rendition on the transition to twenty-something. Ever since I passed 19 to hit 20, I kept feeling Ive left something really wonderful behind, and this feeling just increased in intensity over these past 2 yrs since 20. Now 22, I enjoyed the maturity that comes with experiences but more is my sore reminiscence of peoples' hearts. I just told a friend 2 days ago that I felt veri sorry that although I miss her and another friend, we still can't find time to meet up. and she commented that Im very melancholic. And yes, Im mel to the core.
But allow me to, before I dun even have the heart or time to be mel...
nor care to lament with such angst.
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