The heart is the most deceitful thing...
I've discovered I care too much about how U feel...
about people,
about things,
about the weather,
about me.
Im getting afraid. this is not supposed to happen.
U almost have the ability to control my mood for the day.
which I tried to fight against. real hard.
Your every facial or verbal expression at what I said or did makes me feel extremely vulnerable.
What did U think of me? How am I like in ur eyes?
n it scares me to realise that I hurt.
at all the times that I found out I may not reali matter in ur life....
Im gonna get out of this trap.
not set by U,
but by myself.
no matter what it costs.
lalalalala....
Back from church camp...feeling so...so so...sosososososo charged!!!
I finally managed to understand....I cried thru'out the camp as a beautiful and touching truth has finally dawned on me...n its all because of HIM who showed me...
HE. who is altogether worthy, altogether lovely, altogether wonderful to me.
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I performed in a very short musical performance together with fellow brothers and sisters from the tertiary district for the church camp's talentnite. It was all great fun and...er...great fun! haha...really! although its short, the joy of seeing a performance that we planned from scratch come to life is incredible! I acted as an agry and bitter housewife who gave up her job to face a bunch of irritating fellows at home everyday....n well...I just screamed and scolded for my part thru'out...but it was so exciting! I got to sing and act at the same time first time in my life! can't believe it!
hee, and the blessed thing is, we won 1st!! yeah!! not that it mattered, but GOD really blessed! I have been wanting to get a water bottle since I lost my blue one but I couldn't find one that i reali liked..n u know wat? the prize for the winners was a water bottle each, woo hoo!
I learnt so much too, from all my fellow brothers and sisters about script writing, and stuff. and I marvel at the talent (not me) we have in church.
yeah yeah!!!:)
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I witnessed an ugly incident today. I was in the food court with my mum and sis at bugis, having dinner after paying respects at my great grandmother's memorial(Its her one yr death anniv).
A guy next to our table suddenly started to shout and scold his girlfriend angrily and loudly because he felt that his girlfriend was not paying enough attention to what he was saying. He used vulgarities on her, and was extremely aggressive and confrontative.
After hurling his ugly verbal abuse, he just stormed off and left the poor girl sobbing in the food court. People around stared.
?????????????????????
u know wat? I really really despise that guy.
Cowardly, unmanly, woman-bullying jerk.
My mum felt like slapping the guy. so did my sis.
me?
Frowning and stifled with indignation. and feeling sad for the girlfriend.
what a b**tard. pardon my language. I feel Ive been kind to just say that of him already.
If my future partner ever shouted at me in that manner, I think I'll be like that poor girl. sit there shocked. and sob.
But after that, I'll definitely say goodbye to his sorry a*s. pardon my language again.
whether he shouted at me in public or no public.
some may frown upon me for that. hey, we gals are definitely made of stronger stuff. why sob like a victim?
n some may frown upon me for breaking up with my him for such a trivial thing. why break up cos of that? so petty!
To me, we are the weaker sex. To be loved and treated as a weaker sex, physically and emotionally. Guys punch guys. Guys shout at guys. not us gals.
and if my future partner can't even hold his own and settle matters or differences with me peaceably, we'll never make it till "death do us part." cos I dislike agressiveness and confrontations.
sigh. before leaving, i handed a packet of tissue to the gal, and said, "miss, dun cry anymore..."
She nodded her head. and continued sobbing.
sigh.
stupid, insensitive, chauvinistic, arrogant, cow dung-ish, selfish, cretin-nish....TOAD.
urgh.
letting go and giving up
I've realised that to move on in life, I need to learn to let go.
I've also realised that to grow to be who HE wants me to be, I need to learn to give up.
n i really mean realised. I know both supposedly simple truths all along, but i did not, or dare not fully internalise them.
Truths that are easy to understand, yet so difficult to administer always.
To move on in life, I need to learn to let go.
To let go of past hurts, failures, guilt, shame and disappointments.
To let go of insecurity, fears and cynicism.
To let go of worldly hankering and selfish ambition.
To let go of any outward appearances I put on to protect or disguise my true self.
For, if I don't learn to let go of these things that are holding me back, I am like a kite tied to a tree. or like a yacht roped to the harbor.
How can I soar as high as HE will take me? Im tied, I can't fly to the high blue skies.
How can I sail as far as HE will guide me? Im roped, I can't venture into the limitless, sparkling waters.
To move on in life, I need to let go. and let GOD.
n HE will be the wind who'll gently lift me up into the blue skies. or the wind who'll ruffle my sails and blow me with care into the correct direction.
To grow to be who HE wants me to be, I need to learn to give up.
To give up my rights that mostly just scream, "Me 1st!"
To give up my burdens and excess emotional baggage.
To give up self-dependence and stubborn pride.
For, if I don't learn to give up these things to HIM, I am like a stubborn little child who refuses to let her father carry her baggage that is too heavy for her. or like a shapeless lump of clay that doesn't want to give up its present state and let the potter do his work.
How can I travel light when I insist on carrying my own baggage that's too heavy for me? I can't travel far without falling and crying.
How can I become the beautiful piece of pottery that HE wants to mold me into? I pridefully refuse to give myself up to be shaped; I will remain a useless lump of clay.
To grow to be who HE wants me to be, I need to give up. and give to GOD.
and trust that HE loves me, and has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. plans to give me hope and a future.
That when HE reigns in my life, I can develop myself to the fullest, and live according to HIS will.
Thank you, Father. for speaking into my life and reminding me of these at this timely period. I was tired at heart but YOU renewed me. Now, I feel I can continue to run the race...
u''ll just get influenced by wat u read
Im a total couch potato.
this entry is just a break from being a couch potato.
cos the couch is getting a little too warm now, n I dun wanna become a baked potato.
dun think tuna will taste good on me, anyway.
besides living life to the fullest as a couch potato, Ive been reading, from serious to nonsensical.
ok. mostly nonsensical.
"Holy cow!", "The Dilbert Principle", "Under the Duvet", "I kissed dating goodbye", "Constantine", and reading-in-progress, "The other side of the story."
only ONE is serious. the rest just plain hilarious.
guess which is the serious book??? hehehe....
btw, Ive lost weight. 4~5 kg.
gasp!
nah, Im just back to my pre ntu/nie weight. nothing spectacular.
still looked pretty much the same.
Fishball.
Beautiful memories in my heart, glorious hope in my mind, forward-lookingness in my spirit.
Sometimes, for good to be done, change is crucial and inevitable.
I've learnt, especially over this past year, that one should always have a forward-looking spirit; to channel one's energies into anticipating the challenges ahead, and embracing hope for the future.
This forward-lookingness is the belief that better, greater things will come yet still.
However, in change, we also all step unto an emotional roller coaster.
having to move out of our own comfort zone means all things that we treasure now have to become the past. n all unwillingness to let go emerge...uncontrollably, despite our best intentions.
Friendships forged and cherished, bonds established, deep emotional attachments.
yes, i know these will not just disappear into thin air, as many will try to comfort. surely friendships and memories will be kept.
but, some things just will never come back.
to shihong and susan, though I know u will not get to read this: just wanna tell u all:
I love u.
thanks for all the sharing, time and memories u both have given me. Times spent together with u all were reali veri happy.
It was reali reali reali wonderful to know u all. I truly feel veri deeply blessed indeed.
I never know such a day will come whereby I find it so hard to say goodbye to u both. n I didn't expect that day to come so soon.
Whether u all feel the same way as me, I do not know.
But thanks, hong and san, for being everything I always look forward to have, in a caregroup.
Although we are not together as a caregroup now, I pray that we'll keep one another dearly remembered deep in our hearts.
I know I will. cos u all have been an impact in my life....
