The battle within batters the without...the heart must learn to give thanks more, especially when there is much to give thanks for.
God knows what I'm doing here at this time of the night, writing a blog which I'm sure no one reads by now and yet I halt to say much concretely at all here.
Some times, like times like this, I feel a great sense of discontentment with my life, that life in all in lerthagy, sticks and stinks like a wet Tshirt on my back on a humid day. Where with some agony, I feel I ought to and long to, fill my life with exciting activities, or have the freedom and time to entertain even just the possibility of exciting activities in my life. Where I can flutter from one flower of colourful appeal to the next, getting to know you, you and you, the birds and bees, being both sincere and insincere in my speech and manner all at once and enjoying a fun hell of a time or a... well, hell of a time, depending on what kind of people you meet and what kind of attention you draw.
Flitting, fluttering and flirting. Being celebrated and always celebrative. Garnering a fun reputation, popularity and along the way, well, enemies of my taste and my sense of fun. Essentially, savouring a life where one only lives for herself.
Yet a large part of me isn't like this too. Which I shan't bother to elaborate what that part of me is made of. This conflict tortures, especially at a time like this, where I sense strong needs in my life that I can't identify and even if I can, I can't or wouldn't express. I feel such a dreaded sense of loss and being lost. And yet, here I am, attempting to keep fulfilling needs of others which I increasingly do so with such half-heartedness, feeble strength and a sense of guilt and shame.
And now I can't continue. It upsets me to write like this. Honesty is a brutal virtue.
Wtih all these unsanctified thoughts half undone, may I gather enough sense soon to scramble off to my only place of strong refuge, where therein I can recuperate and come out well. And reconcile what's within me so that I'll be whole.
Well and whole.
