self-talk @efanny's

I want to love! The way He called us to love...

2010-01-10T05:33:00.000-08:00

I made up my mind on the 1st of Jan, 2010.

And I communicated it on the 2nd of Jan, 2010.

Exactly 9 months from the time he first smsed me.=)

It was a most humorous affair, LOL. Oh man, whatever happened to "the moment"??

Anyway.

And Im now...in love!!!

Totally.

God, you led me to this very step. I know and Im assured.=)

We made a few mistakes along these 9 months of friendship..but God, its all to your grace that protected this friendship..and Im grateful. So grateful, for your love and your covering.

I pray we would continue to grow and guard this love (no more silly mistakes!)...till it bears fruit.

My utmost heartfelt prayer: Lord, if you're willing, may this bear fruit.

Im so insanely happy these days...insanely happy.

I love you. I so do. =)

And you're not supposed to see this till a more appropriate time. You say you won't read my blog till I give consent. So if you're reading this now, you better be honest and come and tell me okie.=)

Surrendering love to You, God

2009-12-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

I can't understand sometimes why I could not seem to make up my mind.

Loving a person means loving the whole package, even the not so nice bits.

The vulnerability and openess is so precious.

If someone gives one's heart, should I not treasure it?

God, help me to love. Not blindly, but selflessly.

I want to make up my mind. Because...love is a decision.

And I want to love him...

Break my heart for what breaks yours

2009-06-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

God,

I love you.

Many times, I am distracted.

But God, help me.

I want to be faithful, faith-filled and focused.

That's why I chose my email as fcuboid.

I like him, God, I really do.

But importantly, please help me love him. I really want to, with all my heart.

The way you called us to love.

Having a sense of the bigger picture with a renewed mind.

2009-05-10T08:32:00.001-07:00

I can sense Your leading in my life.

God, thank You. I'm so glad You are in my life.

Now, all it requires is obedience, with faith.

With understanding that the outcome is not in my hands.

Whatever it is, I give thanks.

Continue to light my way, even as You refine the runner.

May this be a daily prayer and decision.

PS: Thank You for the answered prayer. I said it in my rare bursts of childish honesty, but God You make it happen. I'm a little overwhelmed, I don't really know what's going on. But God, I just want to take it as it comes, with the Holy Spirit guiding me. =)

A decision to love as He loves

2008-12-25T05:58:00.000-08:00

I've decided. for about the 6th time, if I'm not wrong.

But I think writing it down will help to strengthen my resolve.

I cannot afford to tamper with your faith by accepting your attention, when the one that you need most in your life right now is not me.

And I cannot afford to accept your attention cos I know too, in the depths of my heart, much as I'm attracted to you, that you're not the one I'm looking for.

I don't want to be unloving. I don't want to hurt you and then despise myself.

God, please help me to love him as You do. And please do not tempt me beyond what I can bear.

Please help me, Lord.

2008-12-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." -Luke 9:62-

Dear Lord,

Please help me. I do not want to be a divided person. I want to be whole-hearted in Your eyes. Help me Lord. Immerse me in Your love every single moment of my life. Help me to stick by and do the right things that You have impressed upon my heart. Help me not to use others for my own desires, to accept or manipulate for attention that I've no means or intention to reciprocate. Help me not to hanker after the things of the world because You say that a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. But to do my work well because I want to be a living testimony for You. Help me to overcome personal weaknesses that hinder me from planning my work and ministry well and extend my thinking capacity to look into details. Help me to have an administrative mind that is much needed in my job and also in my ministry. Help me Lord to continually walk in the Spirit and to RELY on You. I love You God; please help my life, not just my lips, to express the affection I feel for You in my heart. Through deeds, not just words. I also pray that I will experience the fullest extent of Your love everyday, such that the deepest longing for security and acceptance in my heart is fulfilled and it penetrates and shows in every aspect of my being and my life.

Thank You dear Father, for loving me.

In Jesus Name, I commit again,
amen.

efanny's heart is moved.

2008-11-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

As per title. So drawn, yet afraid.

You're moving my heart, could you be?...

Im not sure, I think you aren't too.

I shall know my heart's whisper next week.

Whether its a beginning, or an ending, we'll soon know.

next week.=)

Its all over and over the board. What a drama.

2008-07-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Its strange how I get over it so much faster...

Im still trying to figure out why...

But God, I thank you, cos You're really the peace that guards my heart, my help in times of need.

Anyway, unto another topic. I had a quarrel with my sis today. For the rest of today, I tried to figure out what communication is all about. It seems like sometimes its really not about how hard you try, to a certain extent how the person wants to percieve your intentions are already set in his/her mind. You may be smiling and the person may think you're gloating; you may be trying to keep your voice even but the person may think that you're trying to work up a silent temper.

So in this case, I thought I was calm and just trying to figure out what resulted in the clash of timing. But my sis percieved it as that Im accusing her. And well, there you go.

Anyway, I flared up and yelled back. shucks and sianz. Later, I chose to ignore all her smses, which I know would most probably contain just a tirade of verbal abuse that I don't see the need to subject myself to, and compete who can be more hurtful. The delete button was handy.

Im still struggling. I don't feel like saying sorry at all. I still don't think its my fault. Im holding on to my right selfishly, yes.

Still waiting to be convicted by God to humble myself and reconcile. But God, honestly, its hard.:(

Coming back

2008-07-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

Haha. I just can't get into the habit of bloggin at the end of the day.

So yup, Im gonna blog abt yesterday again.

Was a long day, but my kids were really cute. I was trying to teach them the value of balancing work and play, so we did this worksheet on recording the no. of hours they spent on each activity such as working, playing, etc.

They gave funny answers like, "I play only 1 minute a day", and "study 12 hours a day" etc. And I thought, either kids have no life nowadays, or they like to exaggerate the amount of work they do. haha. oh and of course there's also the 3rd possibility; that is, they had no inkling how long an hour or minute is. So I got them to count from 1 to 60 to get the idea. But they insisted they play only 1 minute a day. lol.

So in the end on the column of "What I have learnt", I taught them the good old saying of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", and I got them to substitute their names and gender into the saying, like, " All work and no play makes Desmond a dull boy" and "All work and no play makes Rachel a dull girl", and they really enjoyed that. In fact, they would plead for me to say it out loud, and they get such a laugh out of hearing it aloud. lol. Kids are an easily happy bunch of ple.

There was a networking session after school. So we went to Nan Chiau Primary, and was welcomed into this room that has been really nicely decorated. The room is dark with light sticks, streamers and balloons, nice music in the background, and ple wearing paper crowns. It feels like a Christmas party one would hold in the nineties. haha. a tad cheesy but comfy.

So we played games. And more games. haha. and Eat and eat. There was a game where we have to construct a model of our ideal school, and the model has to be mobile. Reminds me of the tent-making game we played during ACTSCalibre.

So in the end, we 'built' a school using 2 of our guy colleagues as part of the structure and we came up with this:

Haha, cool right? I quite like it. lol.

After that, was straight to PS for DMM, where we did not discuss what we set out to discuss but talked abt something else impt. Which I felt was crucial and meaningful. Getting late for GAP, so we scuttled off to America Rm at Nexus.

GAP was refreshing for me, where God spoke to remind me what He's been speaking to me for the past few days. About renewing my mind, being others-centred, and giving the rightful throneship to Him. So yup, was refreshed:)

Went for prata after that with some of the ple, but was really tired to say anything. Whole day had resolved to enjoy the ple and things put my way, and I see that the choice to do so, to cherish everything and everyone God has made to pass my way was really good and uplifting, but towards the end of the day, the old me, surfaced. Where I just want to sit there and do nothing. haha.

Change is a gradual thing. I shall be patient with myself, and patient in seeing how God will change me. It is prideful to think I'll be able to change certain habits of lifestyle and intercation within a short period of time, when I have invested the last 20 years in cultivating and feeding them.

But by grace, through faith. Yes, it shall be done.:)

PS: And this is one of the very rare 'narrative' entries of mine, instead of one filled with abstract metaphors. So others-centered. haha!

Life is great!

2008-07-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Okies, this is abt yesterday. But didn't get it done. haha.

So and then. Anyway, this entry is not about Great Eastern either, though the title is 'koped' from them. haha.

Had a great day. I went joggin, and I jogged 2 rounds of 1.6km instead of one. A breakthrough! That makes 3.2 km to my mileage yesterday. haha. Gonna do that again today.

Had a time of refreshment with God. Ni is right. Meet Him with anticipation but without expectation He must speak to me abt the things I came to Him with. Cos what I deem as pressing on my mind may not be what God thinks is the root issue.

In fact if I just come before Him with an open heart, He speaks, showing me answers that will free my soul.

So yup. will feel something here and there, yes. Even as I was walking, or in the middle of marking. But its okie, when I stem the thoughts and feelings in time, and exchange them for God's peace, Im okie.:)

But I look forward to being not just okie, but feeling great.:)

Im gonna enjoy...serving others, the ple around me and things put my way.:)

So yup.:)

Foolish me

2008-07-07T18:58:00.001-07:00

I remember the last time I talked about a hurting heart, its 1 yr and 5 months ago. And at that time, I was already in the midst of healing.

I took about a slow 6 months to be released from my pain, and a total of 1 year to fully make sense.

Counting, this means the last time I hurt this much was about 2 years ago.

Now it hurts. all over again.

But maybe this time round, I'll take a shorter time to be on the rebound.

I must. Mustn't I? If my stupidity has cost me, at least I should make sure this time round, I remain a fool for a shorter period of time.

Radiant singleness

2008-05-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

Singleness in not just the physical, but also the emotional, mental and the spiritual.

Received the below article from a friend in church, and knowing how he's been like in the past, its really amazing now how he really understands and exhibits radiant singleness. lol. God can really change hearts and lives, think its really just a matter how much we believe that He's great and really 'knows His business' and allow Him to effect change in our lives.

Enjoy the read.:)
_______________________________________________________________
Radiant Singleness
Leslie Ludy

"If I hear one more married person preach about singleness being a gift, I'm going to gag!" declared Brice, a 28-year-old single we met at a speaking event in Texas. Brice is more than ready for marriage. "Married people forget what it's like to be alone!"

Maybe married people don't forget-they just block out the memory of singleness because they don't want to relive it! Singleness is a lonely path. But does it have to be a form of hell on earth?

Brice has lived the past eight years of his life in misery. He is obsessed with finding the right girl and finally shedding the "curse" of singleness. In many ways, he has put his life on hold until the issue of getting married is resolved. He hasn't pursued finding out his life's calling or goals because he feels incomplete. He hasn't grown spiritually, and he hasn't prepared practically; he has just angrily cried out to God to send a wife to him ASAP! Brice has grown bitter and resentful. His greatest fear is dying before he finds someone to love.

Brice represents the plight of many singles in today's culture. As a Christian community, we have not acknowledged God's purpose for the season of singleness, and this is causing singles to feel devalued or "lesser-than."

Jen, a fun-loving and deeply spiritually senior in college, says that it seems everywhere she goes she is asked the same question: "So, are you dating anyone?"

"It's really hard to hear that question over and over," admits Jen, "because there is so much more to who I am than a relationship. I have school, ministry, and, most importantly, my relationship with the Lord. I hardly ever get asked about those other areas of my life; and if I do, it's only secondary to people wanting to find out about the relationship area. When the focus is so much on the relationship area, it's easy to start thinking that you need to have a relationship to be considered a 'whole person.' But that's not true. I am a whole person right now, even in this season of singleness."

The fact that Jen understands there is so much more to her life than just finding a relationship is truly amazing in a culture that puts so much emphasis on the importance of pairing up with someone. She has had just as much indirect pressure from Christians in her life to "find someone" as from non-Christians. She feels a lack of support from the Body of Christ in her commitment to trust God for her future spouse.

And countless other young women are "just waiting around" for their future spouse. They don't feel their life can really begin until they are married.

A joke often heard on college campuses is the saying, "Oh, she's here to go after a "M-r-s. degree." In other words, she could care less about college; she just wants to find a husband!

In spite of the temptation to wait for life to begin until after we find that special someone, there is more God has for us during a season of singleness than just learning the art of misery and impatience.

Krissy, my beautiful sister-in-law, is thirty-one and still single. She is the best example of purposeful singleness I have ever seen. When she was a teenager, Krissy made a choice to remain faithful to her future husband and to wait for him patiently until God chooses to bring him into her life. That was nearly eighteen years ago. Has Krissy's life been on hold since then? Quite the opposite. Krissy is not just content in her singleness...she is radiant in her singleness. Not that she is just tickled pink about being single. But she sees this season of her life as nothing less than a precious gift from God. She understands her singleness to be part of the ultimate plan for her life from her loving Creator.

In the past eighteen years, Krissy has devoted herself completely to the Lord. It is evident to everyone who knows her that she is passionately in love with Jesus Christ. She is joyful, fun-loving, and excited about living. She has been able to develop her God-given talents as a teacher, counselor, artist, and writer. She has energetically poured herself into serving others and enjoying friendships of all ages. Her life is indeed full.

When asked by her younger brother, Marky, one day, "Krissy, do you think you are called to singleness?" she paused, reflected a moment, then replied, "Today I am."

Wow! What a response! Today I am. Krissy doesn't see her singleness as an unending hill to climb. She allows God to lead her through this journey one day at a time. And as a result, she has discovered a joy in this season that few singles realize they can find.

It hasn't been easy for Krissy. She, like most other singles, has experienced many nights full of painful, lonely tears. She has felt the unquenchable longing for companionship, the agonizing ache for true love. But in those times, she has leaned all the harder upon her Savior. And He has been faithful each step of the way.

Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the "rests." They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear.

If we sadly say to ourselves, "There is no music in a 'rest,'" let us not forget "there is the making of music in it." The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us!

How long He waits for us to learn the lesson!

- END-
___________________________________________________________________

I guess, in life, in every season, we'll always have unfulfilled desires that we have to deal with. Question is not how we can eliminate them, cos having grown to this 'age', you should already know that many things in life don't just happen or not happen through sheer human effort.

But question is, do we shift our focus from what we do not have and surrender these to God? To allow God to fill us, deeply from within, in all of these, such that we are a whole person, in any season of our lives. Not to ignore or deny we have these desires, but really, to trust. And to really fully experience what it means by God being the ultimate provider and source of everything, and of all comfort.

Ultimately, the choice is really yours. To live unhappily and even bitterly cos of unfulfilled desires in my life or to live happily everyday to its fullest, enjoying everything and everyone put in my way, trusting God knows me better than I do and what to do with my desires.

I finally fully understood the choice is really mine in these last 2 years. To think of myself as some helpless victim or to let God help me.

Now looking back, I don't understand why I took so long to make such a simple and obvious decision.

Okie okie, I know la. pride lor. lack of trust lor.

So does it mean pride or lack of trust will not seep in these days to cause me to doubt myself and God all over again?

No, I'm afraid it still will. Just check out some of my previous blog entries, the negativity of them all. lol.

So in times like this, I have to come to God desperately and say, "Lord, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!"

At least this I can say. God never forsakes anyone who comes to Him with such a desperate longing for Him.

Coming out of the cyberspace closet???

2008-05-02T19:56:00.001-07:00

All along this blog has been rather private, in the sense of its more like a private diary more than anything, and its open to only the closest of friends.

Think this is pretty much so 'cos I'm 'ashamed' of what I've written here over the years? And afraid that people may misconstrue what I wanted to say and result in misunderstandings, or that people may judge me for what I had once written? Entries in this blog started in Year 2004 when I was just 20 years old, so this blog kinda recorded my 'past', how I was like and stuff haha. Looking back at all the entries showed me that I really had a sarcastic sense of humor (actually I think I still have lol) and was in many cases rather an emotional and critical person.

But I see myself change over the years, though occasionally slipping into lows, God has been so good. And I know He'll continue to be.

So ya, opening this up now so that I have an additional outlet of sharing, and more that I don't wanna hide this blog outta shame.

And eileen my sheep, if you're reading this, just wanna let you know that when I read my Year 1 and 2 entries, i suddenly remembered I was 'young' once too okie...haha. so your shepherd is not so far in experiences from you.;)

Really looking forward to what God will do in my life. A little afraid, But if I trust God, then I must trust Him.

P.S.: Due to the nature of my job, I would not be referring myself by name here, nor blog about anything regarding my job. So Friends, if you leave comments, do not refer to me by name as well too okie? Sorry if this seems rather exaggerated, but I do know friends who are in the same profession as me who talked about their jobs in blogs without even mentioning what their job is all about; they were just blogging about how frustrated they were. Yet they were 'asked for coffee' because they either name their blogs after themselves or their friends in leaving comments mentioned their profession or name. Scary right? So if you wanna address me, poly kakis pls continue to address me as 'ah siao' . and other friends well, call me whatever you may. lol.

The problem with human willpower is that there's no power in the human will.

2008-02-13T05:17:00.000-08:00

I've been quarelling alot with my sis lately. Time and again, I resolve not to be quarrelsome but I always fail. Sometimes I wonder how much I love my sis, or how much of my responses and retorts in our arguments are triggered by my own insecurities, or the inability to give up certain rights to just give in. Alot I think.

If I resolve I'll fail. Until I see clearly and accept fully the different expectations we hold and our different definitions of love and care.

Many times I feel like asking (screaming at times) my sis, "Why must I live by your rules when you don't keep to them yourself?"

and God asks me back, " How many times do I consistently live by what I say I do?"

Its always easier to count others' mistakes rather than your own.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged...Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" - matthew 7:1-3

God, grow me to understand your love more and more, such that I will be a living testimony for you.

the battle without gives rise to the battle within..the mind must learn to discipline itself more, especially when there is much to discipline one for

2007-10-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

words fail to express...

The battle within batters the without...the heart must learn to give thanks more, especially when there is much to give thanks for.

2007-08-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

God knows what I'm doing here at this time of the night, writing a blog which I'm sure no one reads by now and yet I halt to say much concretely at all here.

Some times, like times like this, I feel a great sense of discontentment with my life, that life in all in lerthagy, sticks and stinks like a wet Tshirt on my back on a humid day. Where with some agony, I feel I ought to and long to, fill my life with exciting activities, or have the freedom and time to entertain even just the possibility of exciting activities in my life. Where I can flutter from one flower of colourful appeal to the next, getting to know you, you and you, the birds and bees, being both sincere and insincere in my speech and manner all at once and enjoying a fun hell of a time or a... well, hell of a time, depending on what kind of people you meet and what kind of attention you draw.

Flitting, fluttering and flirting. Being celebrated and always celebrative. Garnering a fun reputation, popularity and along the way, well, enemies of my taste and my sense of fun. Essentially, savouring a life where one only lives for herself.

Yet a large part of me isn't like this too. Which I shan't bother to elaborate what that part of me is made of. This conflict tortures, especially at a time like this, where I sense strong needs in my life that I can't identify and even if I can, I can't or wouldn't express. I feel such a dreaded sense of loss and being lost. And yet, here I am, attempting to keep fulfilling needs of others which I increasingly do so with such half-heartedness, feeble strength and a sense of guilt and shame.

And now I can't continue. It upsets me to write like this. Honesty is a brutal virtue.

Wtih all these unsanctified thoughts half undone, may I gather enough sense soon to scramble off to my only place of strong refuge, where therein I can recuperate and come out well. And reconcile what's within me so that I'll be whole.

Well and whole.

Short and Sweet, Midsummer Night and an audition

2007-05-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

Names of drama stuff that I got involved with recently.

I volunteered at the Short and Sweet theatre festival as backstage crew. FUN and fuming. haha, let's just skip the fuming part. I scared Xingni with my ahem, rather strong use of language in my smses to her when I was complaining about someone in the fest at the peak of my fuming brew.

Even at times like this, God can still teach me something: how angry I can get. This is kinda important so that I don't get complacent and think I'm such a nice person. Reminding me not to take God's grace for granted.

I'll be doing Front of House for Midsummer Night's dream this coming thursday. First time doing it; my friend says its super tiring 'cos Fort Canning's seating's on the fields, and the field's biiiigggggg. But well, I'll treat it as watching a free show. haha=p

And an audition. That's not the name of a play. But yes, I got an audition! For a corporate video on anti-money laundering. This thursday, 3p.m. Thanking God and entrusting it into His hands. If He wills it, my audition will succeed.

Back to the 1st 2 drama stuff I've mentioned. I think I really love the arts scene. The whole drama mama-ness suits my taste.

Hmm, maybe not all of it. Spare me the cattiness part.

And Oh! I realise one thing. My life partner must be able to love me for all my dramatic expressions of emotions and experiences.

I only found out recently that there are people who find the way I narrate my experiences a tad too "drama mama", and I didn't even know it. People like my sis, my mum and someone else.

This is ME.

Love me for who I am.

I am half prepared to stay single all my life.

Many things to do! all so appealing!

But the other half of me doesn't seem that prepared yet.

FICKLE.

Put it this way.

If a person whom I can be ABSOLUTELY sure that I can spend the rest of my life with doesn't come along, I rather not get attached at all.

Afterall, a whole life of commitment isn't a joke.

That's when my life isn't a stage, and I'm not just a foolish player. When life is not a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Now you know what I mean when I say I'm drama -mama.

LOL, sorry in one of those cranky moods again.

tata!

from the bottom of a hurting but joyful heart

2007-02-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

Recently, I feel I've grown alot. Im starting to feel 24. So many things have happened, or rather not happened, that made me understand myself so much more. More honest to myself and my vulnerabilities, and gathering the courage to bow down and admit I don't know, I can't, I'm weak and carnal. To stop blaming and start living. For God, for myself, and not for someone else.

Then I'll resolve to change. Many times I have asked myself whether Christianity brings about transformation or conformation. Yes, I admit my doubts but that does not mean I doubt the existence of God and His love. However, more importantly its the fact that I finally lay this doubt to rest, with a merciful realisation that came some days after Christmas. God brings about transformation. A change of heart from the inside out. While conformation is only a change of action.

Is that all? What u came to realise? sounds so 'chey'. But the world of difference it makes to me. cos this realisation results in a transformation of my heart, and no longer just a conformation of my mind. Some people may argue that people may conform their minds to certain frames of thinking, that all Christian values are also what people choose to adhere to and not that God is powerful and can bring instanteneous transformation; Bingo, a gambler is no longer a gambler, a sex addict is suddenly celibate, that doesn't happen much, does it? But that's when my realisation comes in important. We are all sinners living in a fallen world. Even if you try to do good, you can't keep up with good;we all struggle with one thing or another. Yet when we realise how much God loves us and feel it, it brings such a change to the heart. A gambler no longer wants to gamble, a sex addict does not want to indulge in lustful material/acts anymore. Though they will continue to struggle with their detrimental habits cos like what I said, we live in a fallen world with its many temptations and our inability to do good, the important thing is that they no longer want to be like this. A realisation from the heart, a renewed heart. A heart that is contrite and humble knowing the weakness of the flesh. And above all, a heart that knows love and forgiveness. This is the power of the cross.

Transformation on earth is not complete, but it is one that will one day be made perfect when we enter through the pearly gates. Meanwhile on earth, we continue towards good, not just cos we conform to Christian values and thinking, but because of a heart that knows God's love and hopes for the tomorrow. A person who just adopts Christian values and thinking as a good philosophy to live by but who does not believe in or trust God will soon realise the difference between tranformation and conformation.

And then, there is the other type of Christian who thinks God will forgive him/her for whatever he/she does. That's not untrue. But I wonder, " why do you claim you love and would never want to hurt the ones you love, but choose to hurt the One who loves you most? the One who died for You." and I think to myself too why would God love without qualms so much someone who will hurt Him without qualms? So I agree God's love is a profound mystery. and I see how imperfect my love for people is too, that Im not as loving as I thought I am; I definitely will find it difficult to love someone who thinks that me sacrificing my son to die on the cross for him/her is no big deal and is tian jin di yi.

I have not been happy for long and it has been evident through this blog from my previous entries. But since a month ago, I felt set free. Finally released from the shackles I bolted unto myself. Just by experiencing one thing-the comfort of God's love. So powerful, it transformed my heart once again and set me free. Although I still hurt now, but I have joy. I have hope. I have faith. I don't feel in lack. now I can really understand Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Not knowing it as just a comforting, inspring or 'nice' verse, but experienced it so strongly myself. I thank God.

A freind once commented that when she hears ple's testimonies of how God was so with them during hard times and how they really give thanks, sometimes she will tend to want to retaliate in anger, "Does it mean I have to jia po ren wang in order to experience God's love??" and it somehow marrs God's image in her mind. I felt sad when I heard that actually. Its not that God deliberately destroy you so that you will come to Him but rather, it is us. Only when we are in dire hardship, do we remember God and His unfailing love. Only in dire hardship, we realise how we have allowed other people or things to play God in our lives, and when these things or people fail us, then we remember God will never fail us. Then, we come to Him. And no matter what we did to hurt God before, He welcomes us back with open arms, and holds us close. And people who turned back and experienced that comfort can never express fully in words what that means. You have to experience it for yourself. which you can, if you are willing.

Despite all these, the heart is the most deceitful thing. At times, I feel lost, having been set free. I actually missed the thing that had placed such a stronghold over my life before. The yearning for it can sometimes be so strong, I almost want to pick up the yoke and kill myself with the burden of it once again. Then I realised the importance of what comes next after being set free. Feel like a convict who has been locked in prison for 20 years and finally set free? relieved yet feeling lost? The ex convict will need someone to show him the way and how to live normally again. If not, he is very likely to either do wrong again to return to the familiarities of the smelly cell or sink into depression. and that's how its like with God. After being set free, I realised my greatest enemy is an idle mind that is left aimless and free to wander and ponder on the most negative of emotions and memories, and a roving eye that is always looking out for things that can gratify but never satisfy. And I realised the only truly fulfilling thing I can do is to have my mind and eyes focused on God, and my heart feels at rest, my peace restored.

Most probably what I went through will not be seen as serious or important to an outsider, but my learning experiences and self-discovery are much more precious. to me and to God.

At the end of the day, my trust is in You.

The End. and a New Beginning...

2006-12-30T10:17:00.000-08:00

只是爱你也难恨你也难
割舍得勉强
过尽千帆也许遗忘
我背上的悲伤

爱你有难想像的难
永远有遗憾
心口是谁的泪在烫
当是好梦终于作完

On the rebound I must

2006-11-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm really feeling very blue these days...

or rather, I must admit I've been feeling like these since Aug...

I can't carry on like this anymore...there's enough damage done...though outwardly there's hardly a trace.

i told a dear friend I want to be feeling better, and she said of course, its my choice.

Indeed. maybe I'm the one who has chosen to torture myself.

i ought to love myself more. I'm bought at the price of Jesus's blood.

to be set free. not held in my own shackles.

"I just want to breathe again
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little, try a little more
I'll breathe again"

the artificial construct of dating

2006-11-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

i really shouldn't be blogging now...not when I'm so behind in my revision...

but so many things on my mind these days as well...might as well empty some thoughts to free up my mental capacity...

why do people fall in love?

because he's really good to me...i guess will be the usual reply for most gals...

and there's nothing wrong with that.

but many times, i just wonder, plaintively...

is it enough?

I rather he's good to others. (and to me).

If a guy likes u, of course he's good to u. any fool will know that.

but to swoon and fall for that ALONE is stupid.

i know Im sounding agressive here but I can't help it.

It irritates me to see this happening.

don't settle for less. Go for something more lasting and dependable.

character.

and grow yourself in that too. DON'T shortchange the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

stop clinging unto others like a float. they will SINK one day. WORSE if you try to cling unto floats MORE than ONE.

and you too, will sink, into the bottomless seas of miseries and lost identity.

At the end of the day, my trust is in You

2006-08-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

I do miss the good old days where I come up here to talk about my dreams, my emotions and experiences. It was a time of acute awareness of self, and the environment that I'm interacting with. People's faces were clear, and the face I see in the mirror everyday then portrayed hope for each new day, and anticipation of the untold events that were to unfold with the passing of the day.

Ah, the bliss of Year 1.

Then came the challenges and breakdowns I grew accustomed to blogging about, where I stepped on an emotional roller-coaster that I could not seem to get down of, and grew sick from all the jerks, swerves and turns. Thanking God who saw me through the nasty ride.

Still, yeeks, a troll of Year 2.

Now, seldom a free gal to come up and talk crap and whatnots. And going through the motions of the day, but blah, not with clockwork precison, but with a sort of resigned lethargy that u get from worn machines that clanked and gruntled with every step of work they took on.

The old beginning of Year 3.

So what hasn't changed?

I still care alot about what/how he feels. He still makes me feel vulnerable.

shucks. I thought Im supposed to get out of this trap ages ago?

But God, no worries. I still love You more.

Take me deeper in love with You, Lord, and guide me in doing my best for You, in everything You called me to.

Nothing is worth giving You up for in this world. and no one too, for that matter.

"When you let God be God, man will be man."

mind and fingers apart

2006-05-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a long time, can't find the heart and time to. I guess there's always a momentum to doing things. Once u slow down or stop, u just find it too difficult to kick in gear again. it makes me question any enthusium i have for anything in the 1st place: was it just out of boredom or was it really passion?

I guess time tells it all... if u want to know whether watever spark ignited in u for doing certain stuff will snuff out eventually, e best thing to do is to test it with the passing of time. If u can't afford the time, maybe some hypoethical thinking that involves u thinking abt how u'll feel about something 20 years down the road will do.

If u can't be bothered with either hypoethical thinking or time test, maybe u should just drop the whole silly idea altogether. and stop wasting people's time by sharing it too often. and dun forget, u're taking in unnecessary breathing air that ought to be saved for deserving folks who work hard at stuff for sustained periods of time.

such a sharp tongue. and i'm being sarcarstic to myself. boo.

One day, I'll look back at the stuff i've written here and feel like wringing my own neck.

But dun worry too much for me, cos I still survive with no permanent injuries to my neck after so many dairies (containing mainly mushy, crappy, childish angst) since my adolescent years. I do neck wringing often u see...everytime I came across an old diary and am stupid/bored/forgetful enough to read it, and writh with embarrassment at myself.

and u noe wat? i've typed this whole lot of stuff w/o using my brain. my brain was actually clogged with other stuff and I've had actually wanted to come here to declog...but my fingers flew over the keyboard and i ended up with an entry that speaks absolutely nothing of what I'm thinking.

amazing...hahaha....blah.

blo..blo..blogie...BLOG

2006-01-03T13:23:00.000-08:00

Im back to blogging again. hmm, u may ask why. u may not. but im going to tell you why anyway.
cos Im moving back to hall, the place of not-too-much entertainment. so Im going to romance my laptop all over again, with blogging, msn and surfing, after a sem of only using it for asignments.
so, look out for more. u may not. but please do.
hehe.

Ah Siao's back! er...just for this...

2005-10-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Im gonna do something I seldom do....

that is....

to go....

WAH LAU! FINALLY AR! ALL THE @#$%^&&! ASSIGNMENTS R DONE FOR THE SEM!!!

hahaha...;p

waiting for the time I can write another entry similar to this for EXAMS.

shudder. bow head. sigh.

until then, I have to suffer.

a dreary hi to killer books, notes watever...

CHIONG AR!!!

pengz, wat an ah lian entry. can't believe myself...lol...

sorry people, on a high and I can't get down...

hehehe...

Entrusted

2005-08-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

My resolutions for the coming month of Sept to yr end:

1) I will choose to trust and be vulnerable in front of people, and not put on a false front when Im feeling "not ok".

2) I will listen more, encourage more, comfort more.

3) I will laugh more often; I will not let negative thoughts consume me.

4) I will forgive more, esp my dad.

5)I will have more courage.

Some ple r just not suited for the role of comfort and consolation

2005-08-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

What's the point of trying to comfort or console someone if u r going to lose ur temper with them???

ultimately, its still how u feel that counts. then why bother in the 1st place???

If a person who's frustrated can still talk to u in a calm n collected manner, why would she ever need ur comfort in the 1st place???

**********************************************************************************
My brain is dead. It can't think as well and as fast as it used to. :(

Ah Siao's really going siao....

2005-08-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

Im getting reali scary. to a point where Im starting to be rather afraid of myself. think Im under some invisible stress that I'm not aware of. Been having mood swings that r as unpredictable as the toto since last week.

One illustration to bring across my point: Just now, I was having a silly tiff with my sis. She kept sayin that I said I'll pay her back for her tom yam cup noodles I've eaten 'in secret.' When I said I dun rem saying that, she said, "yes u did. u r slapping urself across the face." n she repeated that a few times.....

n I got so fustrated....something just snapped in me...

all of a sudden, I slapped myself hard across the face. twice. and said, "there, I've just done it. will u just go away?(!)"

I still can't believe what I did.

still in a state of subdued shock.

I think I seriously need to take time out for myself. Im out of touch with my emotions.

From friendships to life's meaning

2005-08-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

I just realised that some stupid company is leaving comments on my blog. Felt so turned off. treating my private space as some advertising medium. Get off!

been taking a new look at friendships recently. I used to think friends are family. I was quite exclusive and only have a few friends. But these r friends whom I reali understand and love, friends whom I reali spent alot of effort on. I didn't reali want to be that exclusive, but the amount of attention I gave to a friend is alot, and that means I cannot afford to have too many friends; I''ll get too distracted. The downsides? I expected alot from my friends as well, and sometimes I ended up hurt or disappointed. Similarly, my friends expected me to keep up with what I gave, n when sometimes I couldn't, they ended up hurt or disappointed. Still, we appreciated how we really hold one another in our hearts.

now? I have many more friends than I used to have. More than I can handle actually, oftentimes I'll think to myself. I can't keep such regular touch with all my friends' lives anymore. Some friends, I'll forget birthdays, and feel real guilty and bad. Some friends I can't meet up often; not even once in a while, cos our schedules r all veri different, and I lament. Some friends shocked me with bad news, and I blamed myself for not knowing earlier and was not always there for them.

It seems time has eluded us. Although it has been said that "lack of time" is but a convenient excuse, I feel it applies only to stuff that reali doesn't take much time like, "no time for lunch", ' no time to drink water", "no time to read the bible (for Christians)". When it comes to the bigger things, sometimes, "lack of time" is really a veri valid reason.

and I'll start feeling down. friendships need to be maintained. u need to show one another, "u care." Alot of my friends grew up with me, physically and mentally. Some of them shared my darkest moments and deepest secrets. Some shared with me unforgettable memories. Some encouraged me and gave me a lift in spirits in my down periods. And some, were just the most patient listeners around.

n me? I did the same for them. playing different roles to different friends just as they were doing the same.

However, daily cares and worries bogged us down, the older we become. We revolve around boyfriends more and more as if we cant live without one, we hit our daily stressful jobs as if we r indispensable, we suffer bouts of loneliness n blame friends and family that they don't have time nor care enough to talk or spend time with us. We start thinking about higher education (n how to find the $), career advancement (even when we hate the job), and marriage plans (even though he is still in NS/Zouk slackin or mambo-ing his life n brains away). Without thinking through and through what really matters to us, and what we truly want out of life, we start our endless pursuit for the finer material things in life (financial security), for fame, for prestige, for love, for pure attention.

It can't be helped, this is what is expected of us, young adults. To start off the race of adult life with a great bang and raw energy, without knowing where we will exactly like to head off. Just follow the few suspicious signboards that r around, or trace the steps of others that had gone before us. at least they will take us somewhere. but the question is, WHERE?

This is my deepest song of lament; this bittersweet rendition on the transition to twenty-something. Ever since I passed 19 to hit 20, I kept feeling Ive left something really wonderful behind, and this feeling just increased in intensity over these past 2 yrs since 20. Now 22, I enjoyed the maturity that comes with experiences but more is my sore reminiscence of peoples' hearts. I just told a friend 2 days ago that I felt veri sorry that although I miss her and another friend, we still can't find time to meet up. and she commented that Im very melancholic. And yes, Im mel to the core.

But allow me to, before I dun even have the heart or time to be mel...

nor care to lament with such angst.

If only we choose to be

2005-08-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

I may feel so much for you till I hurt like crazy.

I may cry so much for you till my heart breaks.

I may think of your situation so much till I feel a staggering burden.

I may do everything I can for you,

but my efforts may prove yet all futile.

My tears, sorrow, pain and empathy are yet all worthless.

Because, just because...

I am not you.

Only u, can choose for yourself. for better or for worse.

the decisons in life. no one else can.

I can't help but sadly remember this song by Sammi Cheng.

"If I am u"

"....But I'm not u
Everytime when my thoughts come to this realisation
I'll cry
In my heart hopelessness prevails
But what a pity
I can't be u....."

Takes on a Fishball's life from April 05 to July 05

2005-08-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Photos! photos galore! in order of events that I was involved from after the exams till sch reopened:) ...it was a fufilling period for me, from voluntary work to camps to dinner n dance... I was pretty stretched...yet i reali enjoyed myself! Thanks to all the great ple Ive worked with or gotta know this period! I did some other things as well, but I dun have photos...so just these! oh no..its a veri.. long post...n I discovered I now love to blog photos! oh no! haha!

me n sarah! hot, oily and sweaty after a badminton game..haha! so y the pic? just cos I like sarah! :)

2005-08-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

the after exams KL trip!!! yeah! dun ask me y there's oni one pic though...i dunno where i put the rest...hmmm..

2005-08-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Life in the Kingdom Church Camp '05 Talent nite! Me, together w some fellow brothers n sisters in the uni district put together a musical abt a dysfunctional family! btw, we won!!hee...

2005-08-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

A gluttony ah ma, Jia Dai n a chauvinistic Ah gong, Jinghe...they make a good pair! haha!

2005-08-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

here r the 3 siblings: on my left is ziwei, the lazy one, beside her is Jan, the envious one n e one standing up is Feng Chi..the eh...lustful one...haha...eh, this brother looks like James Lye in person...really!

2005-08-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

haha, e veri angry n buai song me...acting as an angry n bitter housewife..@ this part I was reminding my stingy husband (Timothy, e brother who's baptised on e same day as me) how he said I looked like fann wong (paisei) when he married me, now he said I looked like an old hag(!)

2005-08-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

wah, he's also angry liao..see standing up liao...angry dat I kept wasting his $ on facials..lol...we then sang a duet using the tune of ABBA's Money Money with diff lyrics...:) it was SO fun!

2005-08-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

this pretty gal in white is Christine:) Burdened w her family situation, she goes off to pray...(hee, singing different lyrics to a song from Phantom of e Opera..)

2005-08-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

e Guy in white is Tom n he's acting as Jesus...so after HIS intervention, the result is an ....

2005-08-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Loving ah ma n ah gong...hehe

2005-08-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

harmonious siblings...see? they're even sharin an Xbox n u wonder how 2 ple can manipulate one game control @ e same time..lol...

2005-08-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

n Happily ever after...haha...we looked so silly e audience were laughin their heads off...

2005-08-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Rehearsal for a charity skit for Red Cross Blood Donation Drive! this pic was taken while we're rehearsing but somehow it looked v artistic..as if we were posing on purpose...

2005-08-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

Actual day of performance @Plaza Sing! (I was supposed to be a sec sch student...wah...look @ e pic...if I'm reali a sec sch student...I would be a super duper chao Ah Lian...pengz...)

2005-08-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah! the ACTrinsic Camp! cool leh...guess which one is me??? machiam not obvious liddat..lol..

2005-08-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Our group's name? Fantastic 4!!! :)

2005-08-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Wong Kar Wai's newest Jimmy's inspired movie: Lean to ur left, lean to ur right... haha, artistic hor? demo by huishan n chen yi...hee..

2005-08-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

next up: Crouching heroes, hidden message? haha, as demo by cailing n jon..

2005-08-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

Hard @ work...y? making hand made accesories to sell for a charity cum entrepreneurship skills event...

2005-08-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

me trying to fix a crystal earring..n I looked real....obasan...haha..n a clumsy one at dat..

2005-08-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

The "peddle-our-stuff-for-charity" day! A hearty breakfast before we sell our wares - handmade accessories, for the day! (psst: made e accessories until cross-eyed u noe...)

2005-08-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

hee, see our group's "name" for our charity bazaar, "Bound in Love"? nice name hor? cos tot by me! HAHA! yeah, buy our handmade accessories n bind urselves in love!:)

2005-08-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

lets take a pose of Victory!hee..

2005-08-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

yeah, victory!;)

2005-08-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

lets have another one!:)

2005-08-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

NIE Dinner n Dance!

2005-08-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

wow...look at ada in her red dress...pretty hor??

2005-08-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

I think I looked v old in this dress..haiz...anyway e guy beside me is e trim n fit PE tacher-to-be :Boon!:)

2005-08-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

NIE orientation: I am one of the OGLs for AGENTS 2!!:)

2005-08-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

Agents 2 busy at work! wat abt me, e OGL? take photos only lo...hahaha!

2005-08-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

the guy on the rite: extremely irritating but fun loving Lyon, my fellow OGL (he has the same bdae as me!!! but OBVIOUSLY, not same birth yr lol) e gal on e left: Sweet n Pretty Freshman Charis! u may catch her in e TV ad for Trimslim! hee...

2005-08-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Im so ghastly white, i actually "glow" in photos...pengz..

2005-08-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

yeah, an Agents 2 group photo!

2005-08-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

another group photo!

2005-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

huh..wat r u looking at?? haha, my super duper blur look "callously" captured by not-to-be-forgiven Lyon!

2005-08-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

AGENTS 2 @ Seoul Garden for a little get together after e camp...

2005-08-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

machiam those behind are my daughters liddat this photo...lol

2005-08-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

me n elsa!:)

2005-08-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

me n Lyon..obligatory photo as per requested by e group haha..

2005-08-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

tata!

recollections of a blissful union...n my scarecrow hair...

2005-07-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

photos from my aunt's aka ah yee's wedding day! haha, the veri first time I posted photos...all photos r in random order...do take a look at my family whom I love!:):)

e blissful couple w my ah gong ah ma! so sweet!!

2005-07-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

my uncle n sis! he's so young, he looked like my sis bf liddat...pengz...

2005-07-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

the REAL gf! haha!

2005-07-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

my dad's side of family..look at all e face shapes...now u know where I got my "hamburger" face from...

2005-07-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

in memory of my damaged tresses that I missed so much...haiz...

2005-07-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

i looked so eighties..omg

2005-07-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

my veri act-cute-act-chio pic...lol

2005-07-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

the couple w the bridesmaids!

2005-07-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

the beautiful bride! my dearest ah yee!

2005-07-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

my sis n me! eh,but a little off focus leh...

2005-07-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

now that's better! nice shot!?! hee..

2005-07-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

my sis n me! again! hee:)

2005-07-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

my fav cousins...so cute!:)

2005-07-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

a kiss of deep love...so romantic!

till we meet again in 9 mths time...

2005-07-01T10:02:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time....

7 years, if Im not wrong...

thank U for the warmth, color and variety U have injected into my life...

the contribution to my outward appearance...

no matter how misunderstood U have made me before the eyes of others...

U were not to blame...

because it was me who had made U thus....

But colors fade, trends go passe...

Everything has its seasons, so do we....

I promised U that Ah Siao-Lian has found it hard to say goodbye.....

I did caress and ran my fingers through U one last time...

reluctantly, I gave U up....

Farewell to thou, my sweet love and companion.

Farewell, my dearest hair....

till we meet again.

The heart is the most deceitful thing...

2005-06-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've discovered I care too much about how U feel...

about people,

about things,

about the weather,

about me.

Im getting afraid. this is not supposed to happen.

U almost have the ability to control my mood for the day.

which I tried to fight against. real hard.

Your every facial or verbal expression at what I said or did makes me feel extremely vulnerable.

What did U think of me? How am I like in ur eyes?

n it scares me to realise that I hurt.

at all the times that I found out I may not reali matter in ur life....

Im gonna get out of this trap.

not set by U,

but by myself.

no matter what it costs.

lalalalala....

2005-06-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

Back from church camp...feeling so...so so...sosososososo charged!!!

I finally managed to understand....I cried thru'out the camp as a beautiful and touching truth has finally dawned on me...n its all because of HIM who showed me...

HE. who is altogether worthy, altogether lovely, altogether wonderful to me.

*********************************************************************************

I performed in a very short musical performance together with fellow brothers and sisters from the tertiary district for the church camp's talentnite. It was all great fun and...er...great fun! haha...really! although its short, the joy of seeing a performance that we planned from scratch come to life is incredible! I acted as an agry and bitter housewife who gave up her job to face a bunch of irritating fellows at home everyday....n well...I just screamed and scolded for my part thru'out...but it was so exciting! I got to sing and act at the same time first time in my life! can't believe it!

hee, and the blessed thing is, we won 1st!! yeah!! not that it mattered, but GOD really blessed! I have been wanting to get a water bottle since I lost my blue one but I couldn't find one that i reali liked..n u know wat? the prize for the winners was a water bottle each, woo hoo!

I learnt so much too, from all my fellow brothers and sisters about script writing, and stuff. and I marvel at the talent (not me) we have in church.

yeah yeah!!!:)

***************************************************************************

I witnessed an ugly incident today. I was in the food court with my mum and sis at bugis, having dinner after paying respects at my great grandmother's memorial(Its her one yr death anniv).

A guy next to our table suddenly started to shout and scold his girlfriend angrily and loudly because he felt that his girlfriend was not paying enough attention to what he was saying. He used vulgarities on her, and was extremely aggressive and confrontative.

After hurling his ugly verbal abuse, he just stormed off and left the poor girl sobbing in the food court. People around stared.

?????????????????????

u know wat? I really really despise that guy.

Cowardly, unmanly, woman-bullying jerk.

My mum felt like slapping the guy. so did my sis.

me?

Frowning and stifled with indignation. and feeling sad for the girlfriend.

what a b**tard. pardon my language. I feel Ive been kind to just say that of him already.

If my future partner ever shouted at me in that manner, I think I'll be like that poor girl. sit there shocked. and sob.

But after that, I'll definitely say goodbye to his sorry a*s. pardon my language again.

whether he shouted at me in public or no public.

some may frown upon me for that. hey, we gals are definitely made of stronger stuff. why sob like a victim?

n some may frown upon me for breaking up with my him for such a trivial thing. why break up cos of that? so petty!

To me, we are the weaker sex. To be loved and treated as a weaker sex, physically and emotionally. Guys punch guys. Guys shout at guys. not us gals.

and if my future partner can't even hold his own and settle matters or differences with me peaceably, we'll never make it till "death do us part." cos I dislike agressiveness and confrontations.

sigh. before leaving, i handed a packet of tissue to the gal, and said, "miss, dun cry anymore..."

She nodded her head. and continued sobbing.

sigh.

stupid, insensitive, chauvinistic, arrogant, cow dung-ish, selfish, cretin-nish....TOAD.

urgh.

letting go and giving up

2005-06-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've realised that to move on in life, I need to learn to let go.

I've also realised that to grow to be who HE wants me to be, I need to learn to give up.

n i really mean realised. I know both supposedly simple truths all along, but i did not, or dare not fully internalise them.

Truths that are easy to understand, yet so difficult to administer always.

To move on in life, I need to learn to let go.

To let go of past hurts, failures, guilt, shame and disappointments.

To let go of insecurity, fears and cynicism.

To let go of worldly hankering and selfish ambition.

To let go of any outward appearances I put on to protect or disguise my true self.

For, if I don't learn to let go of these things that are holding me back, I am like a kite tied to a tree. or like a yacht roped to the harbor.

How can I soar as high as HE will take me? Im tied, I can't fly to the high blue skies.

How can I sail as far as HE will guide me? Im roped, I can't venture into the limitless, sparkling waters.

To move on in life, I need to let go. and let GOD.

n HE will be the wind who'll gently lift me up into the blue skies. or the wind who'll ruffle my sails and blow me with care into the correct direction.

To grow to be who HE wants me to be, I need to learn to give up.

To give up my rights that mostly just scream, "Me 1st!"

To give up my burdens and excess emotional baggage.

To give up self-dependence and stubborn pride.

For, if I don't learn to give up these things to HIM, I am like a stubborn little child who refuses to let her father carry her baggage that is too heavy for her. or like a shapeless lump of clay that doesn't want to give up its present state and let the potter do his work.

How can I travel light when I insist on carrying my own baggage that's too heavy for me? I can't travel far without falling and crying.

How can I become the beautiful piece of pottery that HE wants to mold me into? I pridefully refuse to give myself up to be shaped; I will remain a useless lump of clay.

To grow to be who HE wants me to be, I need to give up. and give to GOD.

and trust that HE loves me, and has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. plans to give me hope and a future.

That when HE reigns in my life, I can develop myself to the fullest, and live according to HIS will.

Thank you, Father. for speaking into my life and reminding me of these at this timely period. I was tired at heart but YOU renewed me. Now, I feel I can continue to run the race...

u''ll just get influenced by wat u read

2005-06-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Im a total couch potato.

this entry is just a break from being a couch potato.

cos the couch is getting a little too warm now, n I dun wanna become a baked potato.

dun think tuna will taste good on me, anyway.

besides living life to the fullest as a couch potato, Ive been reading, from serious to nonsensical.

ok. mostly nonsensical.

"Holy cow!", "The Dilbert Principle", "Under the Duvet", "I kissed dating goodbye", "Constantine", and reading-in-progress, "The other side of the story."

only ONE is serious. the rest just plain hilarious.

guess which is the serious book??? hehehe....

btw, Ive lost weight. 4~5 kg.

gasp!

nah, Im just back to my pre ntu/nie weight. nothing spectacular.

still looked pretty much the same.

Fishball.

Beautiful memories in my heart, glorious hope in my mind, forward-lookingness in my spirit.

2005-06-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, for good to be done, change is crucial and inevitable.

I've learnt, especially over this past year, that one should always have a forward-looking spirit; to channel one's energies into anticipating the challenges ahead, and embracing hope for the future.

This forward-lookingness is the belief that better, greater things will come yet still.

However, in change, we also all step unto an emotional roller coaster.

having to move out of our own comfort zone means all things that we treasure now have to become the past. n all unwillingness to let go emerge...uncontrollably, despite our best intentions.

Friendships forged and cherished, bonds established, deep emotional attachments.

yes, i know these will not just disappear into thin air, as many will try to comfort. surely friendships and memories will be kept.

but, some things just will never come back.

to shihong and susan, though I know u will not get to read this: just wanna tell u all:

I love u.

thanks for all the sharing, time and memories u both have given me. Times spent together with u all were reali veri happy.

It was reali reali reali wonderful to know u all. I truly feel veri deeply blessed indeed.

I never know such a day will come whereby I find it so hard to say goodbye to u both. n I didn't expect that day to come so soon.

Whether u all feel the same way as me, I do not know.

But thanks, hong and san, for being everything I always look forward to have, in a caregroup.

Although we are not together as a caregroup now, I pray that we'll keep one another dearly remembered deep in our hearts.

I know I will. cos u all have been an impact in my life....

the truth about understanding

2005-05-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

I got back my Xray results today. Praise GOD, there's nothing wrong with my spine. just veri weak back muscles, n I was asked to go for physiotherapy, which I declined...cos Im too lazy for regular sessions....hahaha

I admitted that as I was waiting for my turn in the now-posh-but-brain-freezingly-cold polyclinic, absurd thoughts like, "what if its cancer?' or "what if i have a rare spinal virus invasion (btw there's no such condition, lol) that will cause gradual paralysis?" etc were swimming at the top of my head, and these little fishes of thought were making my head tickle with discomfort with their idle splish-splashes.

waiting for my turn.

then these fishes of thought decided to jump out from my head aka their fishbowl to dance in front of my eyes....transfiguring from fishes to people I know: my mother stricken by news of my cancer, my friends horrified at how the spinal virus has consumed me, myself discussing with my sis how to break the news, my dad's fish flashing me ill-omened encoded messages of "u r dead" from its shiny scales.... gasp!

still waiting for my turn.

Weakened by terrible hunger, cold and of course, absurd scary thoughts. lol.

n why did I have to wait for such a ridiculously long time?

because the doc forgot to press my queue tic no.

n i got rather uncharacteristically indignant and highly...annoyed.

n why did i get uncharac...........................blah blah.............annoyed?

because it has been a vexatious wait (ok its my own fault for carryin my tots too far n emotionally torment myself.)

but then hor, that's not the real reason.

the real reason is, instead of apologising, the doc's assistant came and tell me pompously,

"doc call u, y u neber come in???"

"now u sit and wait again. later doc call u, u beta come in."

*fuming*

ok, i think im giving u too much of a blow by blow account.

so to end it, I was pissed. n when it was finally my turn, I couldn't smile at the doc. I tried to, cos I reali wanted to empathise with her; I mean, she didn't do that on purpose...ok resolve to smile...resolve...

but when I went in, like her assistant, she didn't apologise either! n she wasn't smiling too.

all resolve melted faster than ice-cream under the red hot sun. plus 2 headlights over it.

urgh. n so i put on my most unsmiling paralysed facial muscle look.

n u know wat, this is reali a dog-eat-dog world.

as she marvelled and grew in fear at that look on my face, she started to smile back, even though it looked like a case of facial cramps...but it was a smile alrite.

she maintained her cramp session, i mean, smile from then throughout. n I maintained my paralysed act.

urgh. why are people like that one????

now, if I had gone in smiling as the better half of me would, she would have walked all over me machiam Im her non-existant doormat.

but too bad for her, Miss Hyde was on the loose instead and she kena-ed it full strength.

u know wat? I reali want to show understanding and empathy towards her. reali. she is human, and she must be veri tired and hungry too, i guess after so many patients. esp, with alot of impatient elderly patients who kept popping their heads into her door to ask to jump queue. or those who walked in even before she pressed their no...u know, those who immediately walked in after the previous patient has just popped his ass out...n she must also have disliked her pompous assistant (i hope).

but...Im also only human. and at that point of time, I was a human under certain..er..strain and torment. I was so hungry; my gastric was acting up, and I was so cold, my hands were trembling, n u know wat? I was even starting to jerk involuntarily.

n the tv in the waiting area was spoilt.

**********************************************************************************

*Everyone seeks to be understood. but does anyone seek to understand? To want to understand another's head and heart ensures the person that u care and that he/she is important; his/her ideas matter and his/her emotions are not left unnoticed. To want, and to try to understand another is the most direct and a most touching expression of love. It just tells the person: YOU matter to me.*

This is something I wrote in my own journal some time ago.

I din follow it in the polyclinic. sorry, I will try harder next time round...i promise.

slightly off the point...just a thought off the top of my head again:

Don't always think people should understand u; "u should have known my temper/dislikes/pattern/wat my cat eats by now, and accept/give in to me."

or they should understand how u expect them to behave or react; "they should have understood this or understood that, I expect them to behave/react in this blah blah blah fashion. don't they know better what to expect in worklife/social situations/projects/a birthday cracker???"

Maybe, just maybe,

if we try our best to put our damn ass-ing, oops i mean, assuming aside, we'll become happier?

**Disclaimer: btw, take note that I dun always practise what I preach. hahaha, but the difference lies in that at least im willing to try/attempting to try/contemplating to attempt to willingly try....er, most of the time. when Miss Jekyll runs the business n calls the shots.

But as u can see from this ridiculously long n sarcastic entry, Miss Hyde is a-peeping now...

hahahaha....

Divergence

2005-05-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

You dunno what had happened.

You dunno what's going through my head.

You dunno me well actually. maybe, that's my fault.

But I dun even really know my own emotions at times, so why will you?

I dun wan to tell you. i dun wan you to label my thoughts for me. I dun wan to know what you think my thoughts are, even before GOD tells me what they are.

so pls stop trying to second guess my thoughts. pls.

Give me a space to breathe. I need that badly.

Im thoroughly emotional right now.

That I know too, I dun need you to tell me.

will you ever understand?

I am not a problem to be solved, nor a formula to be understood.

In all your attempts and efforts, pls dun fit me into ur mould. pls.

This is not a cry of anger, but a plea.

please....let me breathe.

chicken chicken chicken???

2005-05-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a 5 day trip to M'sia. a day in JB, a day in Genting, the rest in KL.

n suaku ah siao has never been to M'sia before, except for that short trip 10 years (gasp!) ago to Genting.

Then, there were only 2 hotels and a few nah...rides. but it was enough for me then. haha.

Now, there are 4 (or more?) hotels and a few wow! rides. and I can't get enough of it. hahaha.

now, surely of all the days I spent in M'sia, there are lotsa of things to blog abt.

I could choose from a wide array of topics such as, how broke and cheapo we were during the trip, how much fun we had in Ada's JB house as kampung kia-s for a day, or how I kept getting lost in KL (ya la ya la, laugh la...) , etc etc...

BUT, i choose to talk about the common CHICKEN (or chick-ken, watever) instead.

or more specifically, chicken of M'sian nationality.

see, admist all blog-able things, i choose to uphold the humble chicken instead.

alrite, i admit.

I just want to rant about and defame the poor ayam.

but then hor.

M'sia chicken reali reali taste HORRIBLE. esp KFC. (i hope I dun get sued.)

the chicken there must have a tough life; they are normally all bruised. i can see that from all the blue-blacks on the cooked carcass.

carcass??? yucks! wat a word to use for something normally delectable!

now u noe how i feel about Msian ayam.

n they also taste like they hadn't a bath for a good few days before they meet their maker.

mind u, they dun taste carcass-like all the way. by GOD's grace, the ayam i had are heavily flavored with spices (been having Indian food most of the time) n the taste was still rather merciful to my taste buds.

until.... KFC. excuse me while i go off to puke at the thought of it again. eeeeks!

************************************************************************************

the chicken rice i had on my last day in M'sia sorta redeemed a little of Msia ayam though. It tasted almost like my fave meat again.

However, in the cab on our way to the bus terminal for the bus ride home, the cab happened to stop in front of a chicken rice stall to wait for the green lights.

ROWS of chicken stood before my eyes. n i shuddered. really.

I guess i just had enough of chicken for the past 5 days.

I ate so much chicken, i feel almost like a chicken ball than a fishball.

Im staying off chicken for this week and the whole of next.

or i could do it the other way. Eat lots of lots of Spore chicken to comfort my traumatised tastebuds. HAHAHA...

Please go away....

2005-04-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

If u can't be a fren anymore, please go away.

If u can't love anyone except yourself now, please go away.

If u think the whole world has forsaken u, please go away.

If u think no one cares n we owe u an apology, please go away.

If u feel ur frens deserve ur hurtful, nasty verbal abuse that u hurl week after week, please go away.

If u can't extend beyond ur egocentric self, please go away.

If u can't bother to SEE the relentless love people have showered upon u, please go away.

If u can't be urself, the simple beautiful u who cared for her frens that we've once known, please go away.

truly, enough is enough.

Our love is not for u to trample on, kind intentions not for u to distort, and genuine concern not for u to take for granted.

My heart hurts to see the present u.

Please go away if u want, if u think we are treating u shabbily.

Come back when u see. We are always here.

However, right now, my heart really hurts.

abit too much for me to handle

2005-04-02T01:52:00.000-08:00

*Caution: This is going to be a very weird post. now, dun say I didn't warn u...lol..

Im feeling abit of everything now.

Mostly thankfulness surging in my heart,a dash of happiness, a pinch of siaoness( too much is not too good for ur mental health lol),

and i wish I didn't have to, but a tad of melancholic sadness too... e type dat makes u wan to listen to da cheesy songs n cry...

Im truly thankful because,

1) although I am not good at relating to ple and always feels dat Ive said tons of wrong things, Im blessed with friends who truly know me, love me, and accept me for who I am, and who I really am.

2) although I am not good at relating to ple and always feels dat Ive said tons of wrong things, Im blessed with friends who I truly know, love and accept for who they are, and who they really are.

3) Im blessed enough to have frens who reali read what I wrote and saw the difference btw Pt 1 and 2.

4) Im also blessed enough to have frens who felt pai sei because they did not see the difference btw Pt 1 and 2 until they saw Pt3. Its okie... at least, they care enough to be paisei dat they didn't read properly what I wrote.:)

5) up till now, my worst fears never came true; my highest hopes are not yet realised. There's meaningful anticipation for my future.

6) of lots of other things, good and bad. of those in the past, at present and even in the future. The bad teaches me to truly rejoice when there's good; the good gives me hope.

now to happiness.

Im happy because I feel liberated after talking to a dear fren just now. Because I feel I am being open at last. Its necessary, absolutely.

even though I felt dat it did not reali go the wae I wanted it to be at all. but Im glad at least i got most of it out.

I didn't say anything at all in e past cos I kept insisting to myself that I wanted to love her exactly for who she is. Till someone pointed out to me that I am being unconsciously selfish, because I am not letting her love me.

see, a self sacrificing spirit can also be a selfish one, if u r not careful.

now siaoness.

er...no need explain la...Im just being myself...lol...

lastly, melancholic sadness.

I dunno how to explain this.

I really really thank GOD for holding back something in my life cos HE has saved me from alot of pain...but at the same time,

sometimes, just sometimes...I wished HE had not.

now is just one of those "sometimes."

n I sound real ungrateful, don't I?

anyway, this is a reali weird post. n now, dun sae i didn't warn u. lol....

and frens are frens forever

2005-03-26T11:30:00.000-08:00

Im not supposed to blog now, cos i really need to do work but...here I am. lol

just a short entry, I promise. Just feel e need to blog, after reading my frens' blogs.

circumstances change, lifestyles change, values change, and so might character change due to the former factors.

from each phase in life, we all forge frenships with ple whom we share laughter, tears, happiness,sadness, childish ambitions, secret fears, joy and pain...simply put, our hearts.

As u transit to another phase in life, everyone is on their wae to a different experience in life. u grow a little more n u may feel u seemed to have 'outgrown' those frens u used to share ur life,ur heart, and ur best candy with.

there r other ple in ur life now who can better identify with u; u all r in e same academic institution, same workplace, yabba da yabba da...

love these new frens who im sure u will have great times together and form wonderful memories.

but treasure those frens of old as well. there's actually no such thing as 'outgrowing' one another. If everyone treasures the frenship, we will all grow together. we will still continue to share our hearts and life, even though we may turn out differently.

cos, no one ever truly goes away....if u dun let them...

No one ever truly goes away...

2005-03-16T01:37:00.000-08:00

A fren called me today.

He used to be someone special in my heart. So special, I still have an extremely soft spot for him, I think.

Any random memory of him is tagged with associated images of strawberry Campinos, the New Paper (esp the Sports section), long fingers with perpetually black fingernails executing sms-ing moves that are mastered to the level of blurring speed, long-sleeved tops with e sleeves always pushed up to the elbows to conjure not-too-convincing illusions of biceps, which are of course non-existant; and crappy, lame-till-u-limp jokes and pokes.

btw, I just typed a 5-lined sentence. My English lecturers won't be too pleased. This is what one tutor will label with the phrase, 'tortured syntax'. lol.

well, back to e pt.

I haven't eaten another strawberry Campino since the last one he bought me. Really. n now, doing a quick mental count, that had been, like, gasp! more than 2 years ago.

That used to be my favourite candy, n trust me, its reali kinda sweet-till-u're-sick. think its redeeming grace is its extraordinary strawberry flavor - remember its "taste like real strawberries and cream!" commercial tagline?

Yet, ple who know me should be well-acquainted with e fact that I dun have a sweet tooth, at all. so, y will this be my fav poison when there r those less fatal to choose from?

Now thinking back, I think e candy didn't really matter.

its e person who handed me dat generous dose of diabetic confection almost weekly that conferred the candy my exceptional favor.

He's reali quite e gal's guy.

Mind you though, he's not without his share of vices. The above recollection is the result of me always putting on rose-tinted spectacles when it comes to him, willingly.

always remembered with fondness. with bittersweet nostalgia.

always a fren, as long as he chooses to stay.

But I'll never place him in that special place within my emotional bloodpump again.

Having said all that, why did my spirits still soar as such when he called??

Maybe cos I know the smartest person who ever lived?

2005-03-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

As usual, just feel like typing something but not schoolwork. so here I am.

As usual, there r lots of thoughts in my head that refuse to be organised into neat cabinets within my brain.

which, should be the way. the brain stuffing is afterall, a messy pool of gruel that is hard to handle.

hmm, or is it gooey instead?

and does any of it turn crusty n dry and stick to the sides of our skull? Does anyone know?

anyway, gruel-ly or gooey, whatever. My brains are useless.

and, dun try to impress me with yours either. Human intellect. chey.

r u offended? or do u heartily agree?

dun worry, I respect human intelligence; Im just not impressed.

what an entry. utter load of rubbish u say.

of course. wat do u expect? these just came out from my gruel-ly or gooey(watever) MESS.

n dun u realise? Im only capable of mostly one line paragraphs.

lol.

okie, let me say something more sensible now.

It may sound bimbotic but I LOVE flowers. they are BEAUTIFUL.

I bought a blue rose for nini on Sat. Personally, i dun really like roses, esp blue ones.

But dat one was special. it was e most beautiful blue rose ive seen so far, and I dunno y, it just captured my heart there n then, when i held it in my hand.

I was so touched by its beauty, I felt tears coming to my eyes. really.

I easily cry when im touched by beauty of any sort. but no wailing lah.

When u read my blog, do u read the words (try e 3rd sentence) on the upper right corner of the webpage?

do you?

Thanks frens for reading my blog, n putting up with it. even when i write empty content sometimes. :)

Have a great day...love ya...

Its hard to say goodbye

2005-03-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

Yes, its the end of Hall 15's very 1st production, "A Glass of Desires."

It was a truly wonderful experience, that I will never, never forget.

It seemed like there are so many memories to it, that I can't just seem to blog it down.

Or rather, I can't bear to.

the joyful memories. the painful (literally!) memories.

memories of nightly rehearsals. of the wonderful cast, and frenships forged. of anxiety, stress and thrill.

Do allow me to dwell a little in these, won't u? I know I seemed rather odd to frens these days. Withdrawn, and a little anti-social. But, its my 1st time in this, its really hard for me to say goodbye. So, will u put up with me for a little while? I'll be back soon, I promise. But not now.

There are many firsts to this. our hall's first production. First time I participated in hall activities. First time to be involved in a drama production, and try out acting. First time that I really push myself to pursue one of my interests, and see if it sustains.

And I believed this passion for drama is here to stay.

Although I felt stressed by the level of effort and commitment involved in pursuing an interest, and wasn't exactly totally dedicated in terms of, erhem, punctuality for rehearsals, it feels like Ive stirred something that Ive buried deep in my heart, and it just will not slip back into its dormant state.

***************************************

there are lots more in my heart that has surged forth, that Ive typed and deleted. it seems too personal to share, except with my closest frens.

Anyway, I just wan to thank the whole production team. It has been great to work with them all, and memories shared and frenships forged will always be deep in my heart.

And heartfelt thanks who made the time to come down for the performance. Really, reali many thanks. and for the flowers, cards or presents. very,very touched.

Again.

goodbye to the nightly rehearsals, to the back breaking warm-ups, the exhausting vocal training, the gay-himbo jokes, and the laughter and bonding that we all shared for the past 3 months.

With utmost reluctance. but goodbye....

my nights are now to be filled with mind blowing assignments now. im not of 'uni' calibre at all. why am i here?

Somehow, GOD showed me immense favor. With all my heart, i want to trust HE will pull me through. One day, I'll look back and smile.

flowers! unexpected but nicee nicee...

2005-02-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

jus finished reading my frens' entries. ended up veri happy. tryin hard now to ignore i have a test on thurs on topics dat i only have half an inkling of wat they r about.

hehe.

ah lin veri cute. ah der veri funny. minghui san veri gossipy. hahaha

all veri nice. nice nice..veri nice nice..ohoh..

at e back of my mind now, still trying not to emancipate my giggles over thoughts of offering ah der soyabean milk, papaya milk!!... n eating sakae till we r conferred VVVVVVVIP status. hahaha.

back to e title of today's nonsensical entry.

i try not to celebrate valentine's. i have veri bad karma with dis occasion. tis e day where i had always recieved flowers from people not on my 'wish-to get-flowers-from' list, but rather, more likely on the 'wish-can-flush-them-down-toilet' list.

but this yr, im blessed...:)

1st blessing: I wasn't out on a date dat I couldn't turn down.
2nd blessing: I was together with my brothers and sisters.
3rd blessing: I recieved flowers from people i like/love.

thanks jincheng, joel, jon and klenn.

btw,only joel knows I have a blog. e rest dun.

dats y im thanking them here. hahahaha!!!!

sincerity is all in e heart. n the blog.

hahaha...;)

hope i will have more of such valentines.....

P.S. hall production posters r up in NIE canteen, Canteen A, Hall canteen, n Nanyang Auditorium.

I look like...... a fishball.

catch dis fishball in e act on the 25th n 26th of feb. tics r available from fishball the Siao herself.